Thoughts that creep in,

I get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, sit down and there is that looming thought. Oh yeah that’s right, I have cancer.
I wake up in the morning and realize there is no start to my day. Get out of bed, for what? To have your thought’s tell you one more time … oh yeah that’s right, you have cancer.
I look at old pictures and wonder, was I healthy then? What could I have done to stop this from taking over my whole body?
I want to run away as far and as fast as I can, but it won’t do any good because it’s there with me.
If I have shortness of breath, fear creeps in. If my legs hurt, fear creeps in. If it hurts to bend over or twist my spine, fear creeps in. I’m tired of living a constant reminder, I’m tired of living in fear.
People tell me “you are so strong” I wish I was as strong as they think I am.
When other people are around I get to forget, because I hear their conversations, I can become a part of something that has nothing to do with what I am going through. I am able to push those thoughts away, to the background somewhere. They can come and haunt me later. The hard part is not having anyone around, people have their own lives to live. Who on earth wants to babysit someone like me, hahaha no one. No one wants to be around someone going through what I am because it’s a constant reminder of their own mortality. I feel sorry for Wyatt and Steve because they have to live it daily.
I wish God would just heal me, CANCER SUCKS!!!

Our 50th Anniversary

Animals and Sceenery

Animals and Sceenery

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DSC_0402When most people read this they will be thinking, 50th wedding anniversary.  Well, not for this blogger! I am celebrating my 50th anniversary with my best friend Patsy.  We met when I was 8 and she was 7, almost 8.  Yes, that tells you my age, but at this stage of life, I love being able to say I am one year older.

We are celebrating in Washington State, where she lives.  There will be lots of pictures to share of our party.  I am so excited, this is honestly the only 50th anniversary that I will ever have.  Having been married more than once, and my current marriage heading for it’s 18th year, myself and my husband would have to live a LONG time to have 50 years.  We are  both so excited!  My sister Elizabeth will be a part of all this too because we all met on the same day, in my front yard.

My dad gave us a cardboard box to play with while he and my mother were moving things in the house.  And there came Patsy and her sister Ginger, our next door neighbors. We introduced ourselves, and then  all four of us climbed in that cardboard box and pretended to be riding a stage coach to who knows where.  That was the beginning of the best friendship I have ever had.

We’ve never stopped being friends.  We don’t live in the same state any more, but that doesn’t matter.  We’ve never lost contact, we may not have talked every day but we did talk.  And with the advent of the Internet and texting …. wow keeping in contact is so much easier.  We don’t have long distance phone calls to pay for, although snail mail is still a lot of fun!  It will be a while before I can get back to this  blog to post pictures, but they will be here! So, for those who follow, stay tuned.  Well, as tuned as you can considering how often I am able to get to this!

Still trying to figure out WordPress, how to get things into the right categories and so on.  God Bless you all, Baruch HaShem Adonai!!

Seriously What’s Up With That?

 I try to have a fun blog so people will want to come and read.  Well I thought I was trying.  Yet when you have cancer, it’s all you think about.  As much as you want other things to be in your head that stupid Cancer sign is always right there waiting for your peripheral vision to catch a glimpse of it.  Just to remind you of your impending doom.  Yeah thanks cancer.

As I sit here wondering what to write I reach down to enjoy a sip of coffee by the fish pond and there it was … a fly in my fresh coffee.  I took it out and actually pondered drinking it anyway.  HEY it was a full fresh cup!  Oh well I guess that’s the start of my day, “a fly in my cup”.  So I dumped it and went to the kitchen for another cup.  This time I used a cup that had a lid.  Sure it’s for tea but too bad, I’m using it for coffee this morning.

I open my new laptop sitting in the warm sun all ready to go, and look at my black screen.  No matter which way I move it’s still black.  UGH can’t see a thing! So now I have one more chore to do before I can write.  I have to move out of the warm wonderful sun to the shade of the patio so I can see my screen.

So here I sit my back to the waterfall in the pond, and to the birds fighting over feeders.  Seriously, what’s up with that?  There are three huge feeders, one big one for sunflower seeds and another long one that several birds at once can feed from yet they still argue over certain ones.  Then here comes my cat, thinking … Look MOM a toy, a bunch of them.  I wonder if I can catch one, suddenly all the birds fly away.  Well I guess that will teach them to not argue over a free meal!

Okay anyway, I have realized that you can’t run from cancer. One thing I have begun to hate is when people ask what kind of cancer you have.  I tell them stage 4 lung cancer.  The first words out of their mouth are “Well, did you smoke?”  I tell them ‘Yes, but I quit 17 years ago’ I actually had one person tell me, well maybe you should have quit 18 years ago. So, I tried saying that myself, and it hurt. But Seriously, what’s up with that?  You hear, and read all the time that if you quit smoking your lungs will repair itself.  So yeah, they should have been repaired. 

I tell this to my oncologist and he tells me, “It’s not that smoking caused your cancer, if you still smoked then I’d say yes.  But after 17 years you should have the lungs of a nonsmoker.  And I’ve met nonsmokers that have lung cancer.” So yay I get to tell other people this.  Well to no avail they still look at me with ‘tsk tsk tsk on their face and a sigh of well you DID smoke’ So what are they saying?  I deserved this?  I did it to myself? Seriously, what’s up with that?

When I would wake up in the morning, once upon a time, I used to think of what I was going to do with my day.  Would I can something, look for a great recipe, take a walk, and rearrange my living room or bedroom? Go for a drive to who knows where, get a coffee or something and just enjoy the scenery?  What will I do today?

Now it’s, drag myself out of bed because everything hurts.  I think wow it didn’t used to be this way, oh yeah I have cancer.  I try to stand up and have to push on my legs to get in an upright position.  Oh yeah, I have cancer everywhere. Well this sucks.  I head to the kitchen and make coffee take a sip and throw it out.  It tastes like metal, so I make tea.  Ahh, better.  So for 3 or 4 weeks I drink tea, then one morning I make tea and toss it out, it tastes like soap.  So it’s back to coffee or warm lemon water or just plain warm water.  I never know from one day to the next if anything is going to taste good. Seriously, what’s up with that?

Then there’s cooking, smells that used to have me running to the kitchen to ask my wonderful husband what’s for dinner, now causes arguments.  I choke up at the first smell of oil cooking.  I have to leave the house.  A lot of the vegan foods I eat are cooked in oil, so while he’s in the kitchen trying to fix something I will enjoy, I’m in the living room yelling at him to turn on a fan or open a window.  So I am yelling, with a voice that can barely be heard. And it sounds like I’m mad.  I’m not mad, I’m out of breath.  So words are said, I storm out of the house and well, it takes a couple of hours for the hurt to go away so we can hug and repair things.  BUT before cancer this never happened. Yet he helps me live! Cancer sucks!

So now I’m told, I can’t lift anything heavier than Mr. Shivers.  Seriously, what’s up with that?  Mr. Shivers is my Chihuahua, are you serious?  WHY?  Well because your spine is really fragile.  You shouldn’t even fall.  Oh okay so how do I make sure I don’t fall, stay in bed all day? Oh well that will make for a bright and productive life. I know more about different kinds of animals than anyone I know. Thank you Animal Planet!

Then there are those well-meaning people who tell you “You’re going to be just fine” “You are healed in the name of Jesus!”  Really, then why was I just told “Your cancer has spread to your spine, it’s all over your spine.” And that’s why my cottage cheese spine is fragile.  I know they mean well but they don’t realize what harm that truly does to a person.  Do I want to be healed YES I do, but I also know that sometimes God says no.  Otherwise people who are prayed for over and over again many times a day would not be still dying from cancer. Do I want to be God’s miracle, YES I do but I have to stay on the reality train. Otherwise I will be in total shock when the doctors say one day “Go home and get your affairs in order, there’s nothing more we can do.” 

I also have those lovely people that tell me I just need to “Think Positive”  Well guess what positive thinking has never once stopped a person from dying healthy or not.

It hasn’t improved anyone’s life that I know of.  Most people that continue to say think positive thoughts and you’ll be okay are miserable on the inside.  It’s something that was coined by well-meaning counselors when they didn’t know what else to say; well that’s what I believe. I think it’s wrong to tell someone to “think positive” How about giving them HOPE?  Hope helps us live, hope helps us to get out of bed, hope helps us want to get dressed and fix our hair or put on makeup so the bald head doesn’t look so weird. Hope lets us know that maybe one day we will be healed.  But to think positive means that for every ‘downer thought’ we have we are putting a nail in our coffin. And when you have death lurking outside your home like a vulture it’s hard to have ‘positive thoughts’ all the time.

I do wonder what will happen to those I leave behind.  I can’t be there to hold them and help the hurt go away. I know what to say to my son, but I won’t be there during the time in his life when he will need me the most.  I have spent many hours crying about that.  So those are not positive thoughts, am I burying myself? I don’t think so, not at all.  I am being real.  I know what to say to my daughter, but I won’t be there to say it.  The only way to stop that pain is to NOT DIE. 

I want to say especially for my daughter, but that doesn’t seem fair to my son.  But the reality is she just lost her father a couple of years ago, and to now face the fear of losing her mother?  Seriously, what’s up with that? Cancer Sucks!

What about the devastation of so many people who are praying for a miracle?  My prayer is that they do not stop praying; that they do not get a sense of maybe prayer doesn’t work.  It does.  Their prayer helps me to get up every day.  Their prayer helps me to not cry all the time.  It keeps me from thinking I have no reason to live.  I do fear the pain that will eventually take over; I do fear what my desires will become.  And their prayers will help keep me strong while I am here.  I might get a miracle healing, then again I might not.  Remember I said I was riding on the reality train!

I also have those well-meaning friends who send me links to every site that has “Thee Cancer Cure” So if I followed each of those sites I’d be trying dirt from Colombia, mushroom and garlic stew from India, moving to Israel (hey that’s not a bad idea), water from some guy in Texas, green goo from this recipe that totally cures cancer and so on and so on.  Then I have my doctor who laughs her head off and says well the green goo might not hurt but I’d stay away from the dirt!

 Don’t get me wrong I really care about these people and I know they care about me or they wouldn’t be sending me these links all the time.  But let’s be honest, if all these countries, recipes and so on truly did cure cancer, we wouldn’t have so many people dying from cancer.  And yes I know cancer patients that try these things who see not one positive result. In fact during chemo we laugh about some of the remedies that are sent to us.

What did work?  My daughter suggested a mushroom extract, and it did work for the nausea that comes from chemo.  I never truly have had a problem with it.  Thank you Bridgette! She and Keisha have truly been my back bone.  Bridgette has purchased things that I would have never realized I needed.  A blue-ray player so I can watch movies along with netflix and hulu things like that. She made sure I had a phone so while lying in bed I still had internet access. She made sure I passed scissors school so I could open my blue-ray package when it got here!!  Keisha sends me words of kindness, we complain about things we have in common and keep each other lifted up in prayer.  They each give in their own special way. And they help me live!

Pastor Jim, or just Jim and Judy to me are truly a huge blessing.  Judy always greets me with her wonderful hugs that lets me know I am loved. Jim calls all the time, texts all the time.  Sometimes it’s to ask how I’m doing.  Others it’s to share a joke or silly picture.  I love it all it keeps me laughing and smiling all the time.  And at odd times of the day no less, when I least expect it, there it is a text from my friend Jim that has me laughing.  Wyatt and or Steve are saying ‘what’ I just laugh and say it’s just Jim … and then tell them.  Sometimes they just look at me and I think; they don’t have our sense of humor! And he helps me live!

Wyatt, bless his heart will play his piano for me when he sees that I am getting too depressed and it pulls me out.  He will take walks with me, WOAH my neighbor is cooking steak right now! ARG does he not know I am officially vegan and can’t eat meat?  Does he not realize I’m about ready to grab a knife and fork and hunt that steak down?

Okay back to Wyatt …  he takes walks with me and talks to me.  He will come sit on the bed with me and watch a show just because it makes me feel better to not be alone. And he helps me live.

My heart breaks for him all the time.  He is trying so hard to come to grips with what is going on but he has no one to sit and talk with about this stuff.  His peers don’t want to hear it. Maybe because they have this ‘invincible’ thought process that they can’t wrap their heads around death. Maybe they think if they keep him laughing he can forget about it.  While that may be true once the laughter is gone, reality returns and it’s the reality he needs to pour his heart out over. Problem is, he needs someone to listen, not try to fix it, and not try to tell their own story so that he doesn’t get to share what is on his heart. Right now he needs a true friend.

I believe Steve will have that, a true friend that will listen now and later on when he needs someone to be his rock. Yet I know the pain he will go through.  I’ve seen and heard about that pain long ago when we broke up.  Not because we wanted to but because by God’s laws we had to.  It about destroyed him, yet through that he found God.  But that didn’t make his pain any easier to deal with.  He had hope then, and his hope became a reality when we got back together and were married.  But for him that was a long and painful 2 years. This time there will be no hope, it truly will be the end.  CANCER SUCKS!!

So you see, I try to have a nice blog with fun stuff for people to read, but cancer has taken over my thoughts.  It happens every day.  I can’t run from cancer, I can’t hide and think it will go away.  It’s there, every time I look in the mirror, every time I bend over to pick something up.  Every time I look at something and think, gee I’d like to move that over there.  Every time I touch my walker cancer is there like a cloud that won’t go away.  So for those who come here to my blog and think ‘Man this is a downer’ I am sorry.  One day I will figure out how to make this place more fun.  One day, until then I have one thing to say … Seriously, what’s up with that?

My Favorite Web Site, “stress ender’

You know sometimes I wonder what actually helps me through this journey the most and for all the people I know and the many names I could name one thing that eases the stress and stops me from thinking on a day to day basis is a web site that I have very much come to enjoy.  It’s http://www.torahclass.com  It starts from Genesis 1:1 and goes verse by verse chapter by chapter.  Each chapter is about a 45 minute teaching, Some chapters take two or three lessons.  Yet each goes deep into the history of the people to understand why they did the things they did.  It helps me to feel as though I am truly there, learning.  The teacher is Tom Bradford.  He is in credible in language and history and his voice is easy to listen to.  He doesn’t put down other faiths but he will tell the truth even when we don’t like what he says. It’s truth according to historical records, truth according to scripture. I don’t know how to link his site to this one but when I can figure it out I will do that.

There are times when I am so stressed, or just thinking too much that I turn on his teachings and fall asleep to them.  It’s better than falling asleep to music because somehow I’m learning things and what I don’t actively remember, I know my heart and soul are being fed.  Rabbi Baruch Korman has plenty of teachings along with many others male and female.  They run on donations and have so much to offer everyone.  I guess you could say I’m an unofficial spokes woman for their site haha!! 

There are other things that help me but I feel they deserve their own page because to lump them together would diminish the effect they all have on my life.  So for this one … I will give a shout out to Tom and Becky Bradford and the awesome work they do in bringing the truth of the Word of God to anyone willing to listen!

Living with the Cancer Roller Coaster

The cancer roller coaster is the best way to describe all of this.  One day I’m ready to fight, the next day I just don’t care anymore.  While I was taking Chemo every three weeks I was also having to take Neupogen shots.  Those are the worst ever!  They are what make me want to quit.  They cause a lot of pain, your bones hurt more than you thought they ever could.  I had got to the point that I was going to tell the doctor that I didn’t care anymore, I was not giving myself anymore shots.  Then I was offered the chance to have the nurses in my area give the shots.  Great!! but the pain they make me go through was/is too much.  Still I was ready to tell them NO MORE SHOTS PERIOD!!

Then the neuropathy happened, I spent one night with a bag of frozen corn in one hand and a frozen bottle of water in the other. It was the only way to stop the pain.   During my next round of chemo therapy in November 2012 I was told that I could  take a break until February 2013.  I was so happy about that, still am.  Then in early December I started having tingling pains between my shoulders. I made a doctor appointment and to make a long story short I am having an emergency MRI and CT scan this week 12/19 – 20 and next week 12/26 I’m having my doctor visit.  There is talk about radiation on my spine.

The roller coaster is the emotional part of it all.  I cry at the most crazy times.  While talking with someone suddenly the tears just come, and I can’t stop them.  It’s not often but there is no warning to when they will come.  I have times where I look around and think I should put a note on this or that so the person I want to have it will truly get it. It’s hard to prepare to not be here.  I think of the pages and pages of what the Cancer Society sent me.  In there it says that a person with stage 4 cancer has a 1 %  chance of surviving for 5 years.  My prayer is to at least be that 1%  yet my ultimate prayer is to be fully healed. But with every new test those hopes go up and then back down.  Now they are down, I don’t know what to expect.  I know that if the caner gets to the spinal fluid then I am done.  Not done fighting, or trying but it would be a matter of time, and not much time at that.  These thoughts keep coming into my brain and I try so hard to make them go away.

I think what I might need is a job as a comedian.  Making fun of my self, so I can keep on laughing.  I wish I had a core group of friends that I could hang out with every day just to laugh and joke about things.  *Madea* all the plays and movies help a lot, visiting with my doctor Karen McBride helps.  She shows me where the cancer is so I can see it, and know about it.  That helps, she keeps me laughing during every visit, it’s amazing what she does for me!!  Well real life is calling me, you know showers, dishes that type of thing.  I’ll be back later to whine, gripe, complain and to share what ever is on this brain of mine.  God Bless You All!!  OH and with my new light weight ultra (sort of) book, I’ll be here more often!

Giving Thanks to FICH

Sometimes we forget to say thank you.  Or we don’t feel we’ve said it enough.  But I wanted to let anyone who reads this to know how thankful I truly am.  I have lots of people who are praying for me. And I want those who are to know that their prayers aren’t falling on deaf ears.

Also I’d like to thank most of all my FICH  “Freedom In Christ Homeschoolers” sisters: This was taken for our year book, they put bows on my head, we had fun making memories

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They are such a treasure.  Since the day I found out I had cancer they have been one of my largest support groups. First while I was in the hospital Ann (not pictured) brought me a lion.  A small “ty” lion.  She said that I was to keep it with me at all times and every time I touched it I would know that people were praying for me.  Only catch was that I had to pass it on once I was totally healed.  I named him Kimo, and he does go with me everywhere!

Then later on our fearless leader Kristi Stone http://letthismindbeinyou.wordpress.com decided to start a meal share, each of the ladies chose a day to come and deliver a meal.  They have been doing this since February 17th and as of  the first week of May, they were still bringing meals.  Now they are getting a much deserved break.  But the meals are awesome.  They discovered that I had to instantly become a vegan and they rose to the challenge.  I have had so many new and interesting and yes YUMMY meals it was hard to keep track of them all.  All I know is that it was a wonderful introduction to the world of being vegan.  They all enjoyed the challenge of figuring out how to make a yummy meal, with out using any animal products at all.  Figuring out how to substitute meat, milk, cheese and so on was truly an adventure.  This was such a blessing I will never forget all they have done for me!

 

Pray Believing

Praying at the Western Wall

 

PRAY BELIEVING:

Matthew 21:24 “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

We must pray believing it’s a waste of time to pray if you’re not going to believe. I do pray believing. I have all faith in God that he WILL heal me. Today I was blessed to find out that I am indeed being healed. I know God will continue to heal me.

Was I scared? You bet I was. On the way to the doctor’s office I had a MAJOR panic attack. I thought I was going to pass out. I was on the phone with Bridgette who talked to me until it eased up a bit. I called to let the doctor know I was on my way and having a panic attack. The attacks kept coming, through the deep breathing and through Steve’s praying for me on the way there. They just kept surging through my body even though I knew God was with me the whole time!!

Does this mean that for a moment I did’t believe? NOT AT ALL, it means I’m human and reacted like a human. Yet I believe and I still believe that I will be healed. Today I found out that the mass in my lung is half the size it was, and that the cancer in my bones are also healing.

PRAYER CHANGES THINGS, and God is STILL in the miracle business!!!

The Dailies from my Journey: Part 3

Drawn for me by Wyatt

I have keeping people informed on Face Book while going through this journey.  Here are the postings I gave, from the time I was able to get to my computer after the surgery:  It’s long, and I hope not too hard to navigate.  I tried to do my best to separate things but when I hit preview it jumbles it all together.  So, if it looks too long, scroll through and check out the pictures :)

Thank you to all of you for your prayers. I need them now more than ever. Some of the test results came back as cancer. My prayer is that God takes it away. That this is curable. I have so many mixed emotions right now. Thank you everyone  February 17 at 8:20pm ·

I will NOT take this lying down. There will be no more shoes to drop because I’m living life barefoot! I have already begun telling these spots that we know they are there, they’ve had their day in the sun, and now it’s time for them to start shrinking and disappearing. God gave us an instinct to WANT to live, and I am going to hang on for all it has. God is my main line of defense so please any time any of you want to put a groan only the Holy Spirit can understand know that I personally thank you! February 17 at 9:57pm

From Lindsay

I had a visit with my primary doctor today. She showed me where my cancer was. I have one spot on my lung, it never showed up on regular x-rays because it was hidden by my heart and my spine. I have another one on my left hip, and about 3 or 4 on my lower spine. As well as 2 on my skull. I didn’t want to see them, but she said that the more I see them, the less I will fear them and I will be able to not go under such stress. I did get meds for those instant panic attacks that will come. I see the oncologist on the 27th of this month and I will know more. Pray with me that this can be cured. I am going to fight with all that I have. I have been put on a total vegan diet. Which is fine with me. For those bringing meals, don’t worry … I just won’t eat the meat!! :) I love all of you for praying for me and for standing with me during this time! ♥ If it weren’t for my eye issue, I would have never found this out until it was too late.

February 21 at 8:12pm ·

From Maegan and Lindsay

This morning, 20 drops of mushroom extract, 4 ounces of Green Goo that tastes pretty good!! Then for the main course … Hot green tea with strawberries and basil blended together. Makes for a nice warm morning drink. Used xylitol don’t use sugar here. But I will remember that for when I eat oatmeal. It’s the only time I use processed sugar so …. no more sugar on oatmeal! I feel good because I have a game plan. I can start now, I can be pro active. Oh, and my vitamins, can’t forget those … mega doses of Vit C. What my body won’t use it gets rid of, making sure it has plenty!! Good Morning Everyone …. I love you ALL … Remember to tell people you love them!! February 22 at 9:39am ·

From Gabby

I know I’m covered in prayer because there’s no way I’d feel this good without it!! February 22 at 4:36pm

From Gianni

I’m cold, it’s been happening lately. So I’m going to go snuggle up in bed with my blue ray, Mr. Shivers and watch some Red Dwarf ….. Maybe I can get Wyatt to join me!! ♥ talk to you guys later!! Too bad you’re not here Bridgette we could have a Red Dwarf Day! February 23 at 9:15am

Mr. Shivers

So nervous about tomorrow I could spit. So, instead of spitting, I’ve decided to sleep on the couch with the TV on all night. Animal Planet here I come … Or if it’s that River Monsters or Infested show, I’ll be watching something else. Wii has netflix on it so who knows. Either way … something is going to over ride my brain tonight. February 26 at 10:15pm ·
Well, no news today. They called this morning and canceled my appt. Steve is seriously upset because he took the day off work, and because we have to wait longer to find out what type of cancer this is. He’s tired of seeing me on this roller coaster. I’ve called my primary doctor and put in a request to see an oncologist in Riverside. So, now we play the wait game. GRRRRR But oh well …  February 27 at 8:13am ·

Juicer my Mother bought for me

Maybe this cancellation was for the best. Maybe this isn’t the doctor the LORD wants me to see for a long period of time. I’m still waiting to hear from my primary doctor. I know she will get hold of me because she’s awesome like that!! I’d much rather have everything be in Riverside than Fontana anyway. Especially with the gas prices. I was seriously angry but I’m over it. I don’t want to hang on to anger, it isn’t good for me February 27 at 12:18pm

My doctors office called, told the on call nurse what transpired this morning. She’s calling my doctor and will call me back. I might not be able to get an appt. until tomorrow, but at least it will be in Riverside. I like my primary doctor so much. She truly cares about her patients, and so does her staff. February 27 at 12:37pm ·
PRAISE GOD …. RAIN!!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE RAIN! THANK YOU!!!!!! February 27 at 3:03pm ·

Blanket from Bridgette and Mal

I just received a call from the office. She has put in a referral for me to see the oncologist in Riverside and has told me to call the appt office and have it expedited. They can look up and see that a referral was sent and then make the appt. YAY!!! February 28 at 10:29am

Okay here’s the deal. My doctor called in the referral yesterday. I called the appt office and the referral has to make it to the oncologist which it will today and that doctor will review it. I can call tomorrow afternoon and schedule my appt. I am very happy about this. Not only do I get to go to Riverside, but I can make my appt tomorrow. I pray that they can get me in soon. Until then, I have time to help get my body ready for what lies ahead. Thank you Yeshua!!  February 28 at 10:48am
Oncologist called and my new appt. is for Monday at 1:20 in Riverside. I’m excited because I know this one won’t be canceled!!                          February 28 at 1:39pm

Doing better. Last night my hips hurt a lot but this am they are toned down. I did get up and feed myself again. This morning I had one of your whole wheat tortillas with roasted red, yellow, and orange pepper, and garlic hummus that I made. With spicy and clover sprouts with mushroom on top. Very good!! After this I’m going to drink my green goo and some carrot juice. March 1 at 9:49am

DVD’s from Keisha, Picture from Juile, Book and Slippers from Kristi just a few of the wonderful gifts I received.

Well, the news from the oncologist is this: I have about 6 months to a year to live IF I don’t do anything at all. So, I’m going to be starting chemo soon. Most likely by the end of the week I will have my appt made. They are going to do 3 rounds of chemo. Once every three weeks. In two months I go back to the oncologist and he will do another CT Scan to see how much they have shrunk. He has also ordered a couple of tests to be done on the biopsy that was taken while I was in the hospital. It has a possibility of coming back positive for one or the other type of cancer or negative for both. If it is positive for either one that he is testing for, they have some new drugs out that can fight the cancer with just pills. But we won’t know the results of that for a few weeks, so we are starting chemo while we wait for the test results to come back.  March 5 at 3:37pm
Today I received a call from oncology and I have to go to the hospital have blood work done, pick up meds and a dvd and have a B-12 shot. Chemo will start Friday March 16th.  March 6 at 11:07am

Wait!! I Changed My Mind!!! A picture of my purple mowhawk!!

I will not give up. I have a plan, and that is to be here 20 years from now or more. I’m doing all I can with diet, and the doctors will do what they can with chemo. I know some of  you don’t believe, but I do and I know that God has the final say and I feel he’s going to heal me. That’s what I have always felt, I don’t feel like I’m not going to make it. I hope that feeling remains with me through out all this!! March 6 at 5:09pm

UGH, my body hurts all over. Well mostly my left arm … stupid arm. It’s always getting in the way. haha anyway, good night guys gonna go med up and go to bed. · March 7 at 8:54pm
Staving off a panic attack, and going on a field trip. Carolyn is taking us. I’m glad cause I can’t drive while on my panic attack meds. It seems the closer chemo gets the more unwanted panic attacks are happening. Luckily Bridgette told me what they feel like when they begin and I’m taking my medication as soon as I feel it coming on. I’m not thinking about it, it’s just happening.

Bridgette, my Daughter

Enjoyed a wonderful Shabbat today. Jim Rickard was too funny I loved hearing him read Esther … awwww! Alex, Bridgette and Malcolm came out and enjoyed Purim with us. Malcolm had so much fun making noise and yelling BOO every time Haman’s name was said! Oneg was wonderful. I had such a good time talking with Bridgette and Alex and Aaron. They were cracking me up!! And “My Little Flower In the Field” talked with me and we shared with each other thoughts and feelings. Thank you Marsha, you are indeed a treasure! March 10 at 6:01pm
I waited patiently for ADONAI to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to ADONAI.
Many will see what he has done and be astounded.
They will put their trust in ADONAI. Psalm 40:1-3
I fully trust that I will be healed. Many will be astounded, all GLORY belongs to the GREAT PHYSICIAN YHVH, ADONAI, YESHUA. Thank you!!!  March 14 at 9:29am

Thank you, prayer is powerful. Yeshua said go and heal …. I ask for healing. Total and complete. I ask to be yet another of his mighty miracles. For only HE can do the impossible. March 14 at 11:02am ·

What’s on my mind. Well, I’m looking forward to Bible Study tonight. It will be my last adventure for quite a while. I’ll listen and sing to worship music. I’ve taken my chemo prep meds this morning thanks to my other brain, I’ll call it Wyatt haha. And now I have dogs to wash because they will need baths before all this starts. Koda and Chana will be getting hair cuts. Nuvers, Mr. Shivers and Angel will get baths. I promise to not show up to Bible study smelling like a wet dog HAHAHA!! March 15 at 10:24am

Wyatt, my other brain

Chemo Therapy starts today at 1:30 pm. I am ready to go, I’m ready to get this part of the show on the road. I won’t like the after effects, but I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do. I AM doing what I believe the LORD is telling me to do. I know that HE ALONE is going to heal me. I am eating right, resting when I need to and keeping in constant contact with him. He is never off my mind. I have an army praying for me, seriously people in the US Army are praying for me, but that’s not all my Family is praying for me, my FICH group is praying for me, Many different churches are praying for me. My Beth Simcha family is praying for me, people from New Wine are praying for me. Friends from afar are praying for me. It is awesome to feel the Peace that Passes ALL Understanding that only comes from ADONAI, the LORD!! Thank you everyone! Wyatt will come on now and then to give updates when I can’t make it to the computer. I LOVE YOU ALL!!! March 16 at 8:02am ·

From Casey

Queasy a little nauseousness but no throwing up. At least not yet, maybe because of only having one treatment. Achy and feet are cold and headache but that’s about it so far. Apparently I’m having 6 treatments, I thought it was only 3 but oh well. I will do what I have to do. Between GOD, diet and the doctors I will be healed. March 17 at 7:30pm

What’s on my mind? Seriously? Tumors hahahahahahahahahaha  March 21 at 6:35pm ·

If I can’t laugh about it then I’m going to cry about it. I’d rather laugh because laughter is the best medicine. I guess you’d have to be me or know me real well to know that it certainly IS something to laugh about!  I have tumors on my brain. Two of them. People with cancer NEED to find humor in their situation. If I have no humor then I will wither away and die and I’m not in the mind set to do that. March 21 at 6:49pm

Steve and Paimbia

Doctors can’t heal me, eating the right way won’t heal me. It will help me. ONLY GOD CAN HEAL ME … and I trust HIM that He will do it!! I don’t know when, all I know is that HE WILL!! ♥ Thank you LORD!! March 23 at 9:35pm

“What Cancer Cannot Do”

Cancer is so limited…
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot quench the spirit.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.                                                                                                                                                                                                                     March 24 at 6:14pm
God’s covenants are unbreakable. All God’s promises will be fulfilled. We are saved, not by a philosophical agreement, but by a covenantal commitment. The covenant is offered to us by grace. Our faith is a partnership with God in a covenant agreement that cannot be broken.         March 25 at 7:23am
Text sent to me by a wonderful friend. He’s been sending me Bible verses just about every other day.
“When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die the world cries and you rejoice!”
Thanks Mike, something very profound and it is something I strive for! March 27 at 12:16pm

Worshiping with Wyatt during Purim

Rabbi Larry someone who touched all who met him is now living in Heaven. We will miss him. Sukkot won’t be the same without him. Cancer took his life, he was one who beat the odds and lived longer than the doctors said he would. Now his life truly begins!! ♥ ♥ ♥  April 4 at 9:25am

Rabbi Larry during Sukkot Campout

Aches and pains everywhere. I don’t like this because it makes me wonder if it’s spreading further, or just the same stuff making me uncomfortable. I hope for the latter of course. *sigh* cancer sucks! April 4 at 11:27pm
Chemo is starting. Lookin good, in 3 hours I might not LOL

Infusion Center April 6 at 2:56pm

White cell count is low. Have to give myself shots for the next 5 days, then have blood drawn to see if I need to continue. April 6 at 5:42pm
Chemo Face it makes my whole face turn red.

Red Chemo Face April 6 at 6:55pm

I feel tired, body aches, arm hurts, face is lit up like a torch but hey it makes my eyes look super green!! haha I keep finding hairs in everything. I wish it would just all fall out instead of coming out in single or triple hairs at a time! The yuck part will be when I have to start giving myself shots. EWWWWWWWWWW April 6 at 9:15pm
Well, last year’s Passover dinner was nice. I thought to myself, next year it will be better. Yet last year I didn’t expect to have cancer and be going through Chemo. So our first night of Passover was not what it should have been. I was not feeling well at all. Stayed on the couch. We basically ate what we were supposed to, and that’s about it. Hopefully tonight will be better. Looking forward to Sunday evening when we have our Congregational Seder, then I think it will truly start to feel like Passover. I just keep forgetting what to do. My mind is blank. Anyway, I hope everyone has a wonderful Passover and First Fruits season. And for those who celebrate Easter … enjoy yourselves!! And Yes I do celebrate our Messiah’s Resurrection, just not in an Easter fashion.

April 7 at 9:03am

Service was wonderful today. I enjoyed the message, the music and the fellowship. I truly enjoy Beth Simcha. I think everyone should go there just once, it’s an experience you’ll never regret or forget!!  April 7 at 4:04pm
Congregational Passover Seder was a lot of fun. I actually got up and danced. I wasn’t going to sit on the side lines this time. I don’t know how many Seders I will be able to attend so while I can, I’m going to dance. I just won’t twirl LOL! (vertigo won’t let me) April 8 at 9:40pm

Steve and Paimbia at Seder

UGH, these shots are no fun at all. Giving them isn’t the bad part, it’s the stupid side effects. OUCH OUCH OUCH Whine Whine Whine Complain Complain Complain …. okay I’m being a big baby …. but still OUCH  April 9 at 12:22pm
Okay so here I am 1am feeling like I’m gonna hurl. So to take my mind off it I decide to do a word search. Guess what word I have to find? Yup, believe it or not the word was …. puking LOL April 11 at 1:02am
WBC went down, even with the shots. So I have to take the last two and be checked again before my next chemo treatment. April 12 at 2:54pm

It was at 4.6 when I started taking the shots, and now it’s at 3.9. It means that I can get sick easier. Your body needs white blood cells to fight infection. So, I take my next two shots and then I will be rechecked on April 26th. Then when I head for more chemo on the 27th they will tell me if I need more shots and if they need to up the dose. Ugh, I pray I will be just fine. It’s weird the chemo itself isn’t getting to me, except for the frustrating part of my hair in everything, including my toothbrush this morning … ewwww (so I’m shaving my head) it’s these blasted shots that bug me. Go figure! Oh well I will do what I need to do. Pray because Prayer Changes Things! April 12 at 3:19pm

Coughing a lot today. Chest hurts now and then. Otherwise I’m doing okay. Not giving up, I will be healed. I fully believe that! Regardless what my body is doing!!! Cancer can Bite Me!!! Oh wait I think it did. …. um okay then … Cancer can take a long walk off a short pier!! April 13 at 8:24pm
I was tired of having hair in my bed, on my toothbrush and in my food. So, I decided to just let it go. My wonderful husband decided he would join me. Also … my mother joined me too. I have an awesome husband and an awesome mother!!!  April 14 at 8:10pm
What’s the point of having cancer if you can’t have fun with it?                                                                                                                                                       My Granddaughter Wensdae wanted to give me a purple mowhawk before I cut it all off.  Heck why not?  It was fun!!

Purple Mowhawk compliments of Wensdae

April 14 at 10:49pm

This is Malcolm and I, I wish Keisha could have been here. She’s going through the same thing and doesn’t feel good this round. I would love to have all the grandkids in a picture like this.

Grammama and Malcolm

April 15 at 9:45am

My Awesome Mother. Wow I look just like her!   She told me on the phone ” You’re NOT in this alone, I am cutting my hair too!” She will be 86 on 5/13/2012  She’s an awesome woman!!

My Awesome Mother

Crystal, my niece had me listen to this song “I’m gonna love you through it” by Martina McBride, this was my reply:

Steve and I listened to this together and we both sat there and cried. I realized that part way through the song I became a tad bit jealous because she was able to get rid of her cancer and I can’t get rid of mine. That is when it hit that I truly am relying on God to take this from me. Thank you for this song I love you! April 15 at 10:14am

I don’t like it when my mind decides to mull over the what ifs. I know I need to be realistic but not when it happens all night long. Crimanetly let me sleep and I’ll mull later! April 16 at 9:44am
My Mother and I

Paimbia (me) and my Mother

Well, this evening was a break down evening. Took a walk with Steve and Wyatt and cried like a baby. But I’m fine now. Health wise, I’m doing pretty good. My next chemo is this coming Friday. I just hope they schedule another scan soon to see if this is doing any good. Then maybe I’ll relax a bit. Or at least know what action I will take next.April 24 at 11:49pm
Chemo went okay today. I’m back on the shots again. Start tomorrow and go for 7 days. Apparently I will be doing this after each treatment, hopefully this round will be better than the last. At least I’m prepared for what’s going to happen. One good thinng is that I don’t have to have a blood test after this round, I just have the one before my next treatment to do. Next treatment is May 18th. April 27 at 6:07pm
Putting God into a convient little box to suit your needs does not negate who he is. It does not negate scripture. If it weren’t for that scripture (the Bible) people are trying to do away with NO ONE would know who GOD is. Kind of silly to toss out the foundation while claiming to believe in him May 1 at 1:18pm
Having a contrast CT scan today at 2:30 won’t know the results until I see the oncologist Monday morning. Been up since 3am ugh don’t like being nervous over things I cannot change. May 3 at 5:31am
IV in the wrist didn’t work. Shish, had to use other arm, at least that one worked. Iodine BURNS just in case anyone was wondering. And when I say burns, I mean it burns the whole body. Barf…. Not fun.

IV swelling   May 3 at 6:32pm

Today the swelling is pretty much gone, just bruising which is par for the course. :-)

IV Bruise     May 4th at 9:52am

I need a teenager to teach me how to take pictures of myself. Haha, anyway Shabbat Shalom everyone!

Paimbia   May 5th at 9:14am

Well, this was long, and for those who hate long thing’s I’m sorry.  It was the quickest way I could use to give a hint of what it was like from day to day.  I did have my moments of tears, but I tried to keep those few and far between because the energy I wanted to give my body needed to come from laughter, and reading and studying God’s word.  I do know that there is a time to cry and I gave myself time to do that.  What I didn’t want to do was give myself time to wallow with in my own fears. Oh I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, it sure does.  But with God’s help and Peace, it wasn’t a daily thing!