The cancer roller coaster is the best way to describe all of this. One day I’m ready to fight, the next day I just don’t care anymore. While I was taking Chemo every three weeks I was also having to take Neupogen shots. Those are the worst ever! They are what make me want to quit. They cause a lot of pain, your bones hurt more than you thought they ever could. I had got to the point that I was going to tell the doctor that I didn’t care anymore, I was not giving myself anymore shots. Then I was offered the chance to have the nurses in my area give the shots. Great!! but the pain they make me go through was/is too much. Still I was ready to tell them NO MORE SHOTS PERIOD!!
Then the neuropathy happened, I spent one night with a bag of frozen corn in one hand and a frozen bottle of water in the other. It was the only way to stop the pain. During my next round of chemo therapy in November 2012 I was told that I could take a break until February 2013. I was so happy about that, still am. Then in early December I started having tingling pains between my shoulders. I made a doctor appointment and to make a long story short I am having an emergency MRI and CT scan this week 12/19 – 20 and next week 12/26 I’m having my doctor visit. There is talk about radiation on my spine.
The roller coaster is the emotional part of it all. I cry at the most crazy times. While talking with someone suddenly the tears just come, and I can’t stop them. It’s not often but there is no warning to when they will come. I have times where I look around and think I should put a note on this or that so the person I want to have it will truly get it. It’s hard to prepare to not be here. I think of the pages and pages of what the Cancer Society sent me. In there it says that a person with stage 4 cancer has a 1 % chance of surviving for 5 years. My prayer is to at least be that 1% yet my ultimate prayer is to be fully healed. But with every new test those hopes go up and then back down. Now they are down, I don’t know what to expect. I know that if the caner gets to the spinal fluid then I am done. Not done fighting, or trying but it would be a matter of time, and not much time at that. These thoughts keep coming into my brain and I try so hard to make them go away.
I think what I might need is a job as a comedian. Making fun of my self, so I can keep on laughing. I wish I had a core group of friends that I could hang out with every day just to laugh and joke about things. *Madea* all the plays and movies help a lot, visiting with my doctor Karen McBride helps. She shows me where the cancer is so I can see it, and know about it. That helps, she keeps me laughing during every visit, it’s amazing what she does for me!! Well real life is calling me, you know showers, dishes that type of thing. I’ll be back later to whine, gripe, complain and to share what ever is on this brain of mine. God Bless You All!! OH and with my new light weight ultra (sort of) book, I’ll be here more often!